Michael Douglas Says Oral Sex Can Both Cause and Cure Throat Cancer

Back in 2010, Michael Douglas was diagnosed with Stage 4 throat cancer, and while most people thought it was due to a longtime cocktail of cigarettes and booze, Douglas is now going on the record saying it was actually caused by the sexually-transmitted disease HPV, which he contracted during some marathon rounds of administering oral sex.

He's a real giver, that one.

Douglas admitted to the Guardian, "I did worry [at the time] if the stress caused by my son's incarceration didn't help trigger it. But yeah, it's a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it."

Not ones to just take someone's word for it (even someone who played Liberace so convincingly), the Guardian sought the medial expertise of neck surgeon Mahesh Kumar, who told the paper, "It has been established beyond reasonable doubt that the HPV type 16 is the causative agent in oropharyngeal cancer."

That said, he didn't think HPV was the sole cause of Douglas' cancer, nor is more oral sex the cure for it: "Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system. But medically, that just doesn't make sense."

After having chemo, Douglas has been cancer-free for two years now and is optimistic he will remain so, as this type of cancer only has a 5 percent chance of returning. Meaning Michael Douglas is once again free to, uh, be as cunning with his lingus as he likes.