OPEN LETTER: Please Stop Bringing This To Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving dinner is one of the few things I really, really look forward to. The spread is always amazing, delicious, and made with love. Except for one thing.
Cranberry sauce. The "fruit cake" of Thanksgiving.
I don't know where it came from. I don't know who is responsible. Please, stop bringing this to Thanksgiving dinner.
It's not just that it looks like some kind of blood colored jello-fungus. The taste is appalling. It's like it got confused at the intersection of tangy and sweet, and just gave up.
It has the consistency of fruit left in the sun all summer.
I know there are some people who love it; swear by it even. There are some people who smoke cigarettes too. We just ask you do it in private.
Also, it never fails that the cranberry sauce fanboys/girls will spend half of the dinner trying to convince everyone to partake of their culinary blasphemy...which would be an awesome name for a metal band.
They're like those annoying people on Facebook who have to make everything about politics, except it's all about cranberry sauce.
Please, I'm begging you on bent knee, don't bring cranberry sauce to dinner this year. Save your post-apocalyptic-bedtime-snack for when you get home.
Now, please pass the gravy.