I have to tell you: I love Texas slang and figures of speech. I grew up hearing old-timers use some real doozies that you don’t hear too often these days.

After talking with my mother the other day and recalling some of the funny phrases that we heard Grandma say, I got to thinking. And my thinking led me to the realization that Texans sure have an awful lot of ways to call someone ugly. For being known for our hospitality and having such friendly folks living in this fine state…..we sure do love to wax poetic on the unfortunate-looking.

As bad as it is, I do have to admit that the ones I could think of have a certain comedic genius to them. And that’s why I’m going to list my favorites for y’all.

Most of these came straight from Grandma’s mouth (Lord rest her soul), the others I heard from her church friends. Don't get on their bad side, that's all I can tell you.

Disclaimer: I strongly suggest you do not use these in regular conversation.

“So ugly only his mama loves him—and she waits till payday.”

"So ugly he has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink."

"He has a head like a stomped possum." 

“That child is as ugly as Grandpa’s toenails.”

“Looks like he was pulled through a knothole backwards.”

“He looks like the dogs have kept him under the house.”

"She'd make a freight train hit a dirt road."

"She wasn't hit with an ugly stick. The whole tree fell on her."

“He's so ugly he has to sneak up on a mirror”.

There you have it. Nine ways to call someone 'ugly' in Texas slang. Remember: it's funny until they say it about you. Then it's still pretty funny, but definitely not very nice at all.

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