Listen. I have a list. I have a big ol' fat list of things you should never ever do in Amarillo.

Please, feel free to print it off, send it to Aunt Bertha, post it in a reddit group. Whatever you feel like doing with it. And if there's something on the list you want to argue about? By all means, proceed to the comment box below and i'll get right back to you. Be aware that I'll probably write about that, too.

1. Never Ever Assume Your Catalytic Converter Is Safe.

Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by a catalytic converter snatchin' smooth criminal. They're out there, that's for sure.

2. Never Ever Expect Southlawn To Be Anything Less Than 'Southlawn'

Look. You can fight me about this if you want....But Southlawn is unhinged.

On one block you've got a crazy lady dancing in front of her neighbor's security cameras topless as an intimidation tactic. On another block, middle schoolers rob each other at gunpoint enthusiastically.

Southlawn is a bit like the Bermuda Triangle of lost pets. Check the Facebook groups for Southlawn and it's lostpetlostpetlostpetloosedoglostpetfoundkitten...does anyone actually have their pets in their possession and on the premises? Or does everyone play a chaotic game of musical chairs with all these loose animals?

It also concerns me that I've heard more than one person tell about a man in a wheelchair who breaks into cars as if it's a religion. One account I read said that the man had been in 55 encounters with the police since January....I've got questions. But that's okay, I do like to leave a little to the imagination.

3. Never Ever Drive Anywhere Near 45th & Western

Don't do this to yourself. Unless you feel the need to know the true extent of pain and suffering.

4. Never Ever Go to Potter County

Seth Paulk
Seth Paulk

And you know what? I bet the gates of Hell have the same loud buzz when they open.

Some of you know what I'm talking about.

5. Never Ever Get Arrested in Randall County

I got three words for you: Randall County Mugshots. This page is the actual Wild Wild West of the Internet at times. It is complete anarchy in those posts, y'all.

All it takes for a person's mugshot post go viral in Amarillo is for a friend or family member to say the magic words: "you don't know the whole story", (or even worse..."he's a really good guy!") Things tend to go south quick after that.

6. Never Ever Get Arrested in Hutchinson County

Again, three words: Hutchinson County Mugshots. Unlike RCMS, Hutchinson County is on point. And while there's a different (and dare I say, funnier?) crowd in the comments, be aware that they take things to a *whole 'nother level'*. These folks know everything about each other and it is terrifying. It's enough to put you on your best behavior any time you visit Borger, guaranteed.

7. Never Ever Give Up On Buc-ee's

Listen. They said we're getting a Buc-ee's, that means we get to hold them to their word. Otherwise, I predict a riot. #BringUsBucees

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